2000-04-08

One time, in high school on the day of the AP Biology test, my teacher handed a card to each student as good luck and confidence builder. On mine was the typical words of encouragement and praise I get from people who underestimated me and therefore allowed me to exceed their expectations. I also got a drawing: one of those red circles with the line through it with the word "whine" inside.

I admit it. I am a whiner. I like to complain. I used to, in my dismal teenage years, whine a hell of a lot more often. I sat in front of that Bio class and whined at every large assignment, every pop quiz and every time something wasn’t totally okay with me. My whines weren’t unfounded, they were just annoying to listen to with their loong vowels and lots of "Oh, do I have to"s.

A lot of my whining has since transformed into, at its best, righteousness and, more frequently, the common gripe. Not that I am whine free, hardly so. You could say I’m around step 8 of the 12-step whiners program. I’m working towards recovery, but the motivation is lacking when, sometimes, whining is too delicious to give up.

I have, my sponsor would proudly say, learned to direct some of the whines into more meaningful paths as some issues deserve more dignity than a whine. Like why some DVD movies are labeled with "wide screen version" when it’s the only version of the movie in DVD format. Maybe it’s just my liberal arts education that gave me this idea, but doesn’t version relate to a multiplicity of variation and not a descriptive?

The Deer Hunter has always been wide screen, but the good old fashioned VHS recording never had "wide screen version" printed on it since no such television existed then. It’s a marketing ploy to make people want wide-screen televisions to watch their DVDs, to be able to watch these special versions of the movies. To make those who happen to have both a wide screen TV and a DVD player feel special. Basically, to market a small target audience and confuse the rest of us. I think it’s a worthy gripe when I search and search for the normal version of these certain DVDs just to find out none exists and if I want one of these certain DVDs, wide screen is the only way they are made.

Oh, but back to the particular delicious appeal of whines, much like two way traffic in the Lincoln Tunnel or buying the National Enquirer. I have favorites of my own that I simply can’t develop into something more meaningful nor completely give up. I know they are the barrier to complete recovery. I can’t help it. I want to whine to get someone to bring me a class of water and other such things I am too lazy to do but don’t want to say, "I’m feeling lazy, will you be as so kind as to bring me water?" I prefer "Oh, could I have waaater, I’m soo thris-teee."

More importantly, there are those whines that I love to listen to. I like the predictability of the whine, the way they have no importance at all and no resolution as well.

Parking any place in New York, never being able to find a spot. The particular sigh of resignation, giving up to the fact that there is no where to park, just an intense competition of driving around the right block, to find the right person pulling out, to quickly steal the spot before anyone else comes along, is simply wonderful. There is little variation, no "extended play" version. It usually is a minute or two, a brief narrative of how long it took and the triumph of the place to park followed by the let down of a closer place freeing up on the stroll to where one wants to be. It’s a beautiful whine, with a beautiful arc.

"There was simply no way I would find a spot (lovely), no end to circling and circling (good use of repetition to gain sympathy). For 20 minutes, no kidding (time - sympathy). Weaving up and down. I almost even considered using the parking garage (desperation) and pay-ying (over-extending words)! Until I finally saw this old guy pulling out, he took forever (even when you win, you loose). He adjusted every mirror, his seat, his toupee. The space his near the grocer’s, not too bad (showing off). But you know, there is a free space in front of your building right now (the ultimate insult). After I spent all that time getting a space 5 blocks away (If you can’t park where you want, love the place you park)."

And never finding a taxi when you want one, finding only a half glass of milk or one slice of bread in their respective packages, anything related to weather, cold, hot or otherwise disagreeable, the quality of television programs. For these whines, I smile, for these whine I realize we are all going through the same things, for these whines I will resist complete whiner recovery.

We whine about it even though we know it does no good. Our useless words, the entire useless predictability of these thoughts amuse me. Styrofoam and tin foil emotions to the world. Without them, we can live. But do we want to live without them? Honestly, are they that bad that we should terminate them from human interaction?

They make me happy to be a whiner and proud to know whining is alive. I will still go to my WACKI (Whiners Anonymous: you Can Kick It) meetings, knowing very well as long as there is no place to park in New York, as long as people leave one slice of bread, as long as there is weather, I will remain a whiner.